I am very fortunate that one of my "gifts of the soul" (per Rose) is a very strongly developed sense of empathy with others. Some days, I think it's a bit too strong but that's a story for another time. It is this gift that allows me to the ability to choose my words carefully when speaking to others because I have a sense of how it will impact them.
Might I delicately state that this is NOT a gift I inherited from my mother? She's a "blurter" - given to just saying whatever is on her mind without that filter that many people have. You know that filter. The one that tells you "Oh, this might not be a nice and/or appropriate thing to say to someone" or "Gosh, what if this were said to me? How would I feel?" I am quite often the recipient of said blurting. And while I admit that I take things a bit too personally at times, I still can't help but feel that at some point, it's really important to understand the impact of your words on another.
Even during heated fights with ex-boyfriends, I never, EVER used anything they told me in a vulnerable moment against them. That seems to be a cheap shot, you know? I would try to argue my point with them but would never think of cutting them with my words. I've had that done to me and it really hurts. Perhaps things said in the heat of an arguement bounce off most people but I cannot just spew. I'd like to sometimes I'm human and I get pissed and think crappy things. But thinking it is different than SAYING it (although I am really working on the "thinking it" part too). Once you've said it, you have no idea how it will impact that person. Will it truly bounce off them? Will it worm its way into their soul and cause them pain? I don't like to do things like that. There's enough pain out there as it is.
I just know how I feel when I've been dumped on, whether it's by my mom, a former friend, or a stranger. And as I'm working on following the "Golden Rule", I don't want to do to others what I dislike being done to me.
From: Stevensville, Maryland, United States
About me: Yep, I'm a woo-woo chick and proud of it. Find me at practicallyintuitive.com where I offer intuitive readings and teach others how to do them, too!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Taking responsibility for your words
posted by Lisa at 9:00 AM
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4 Comments:
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Oh Lisa, Im a HUGE proponent of mercy is a greater virtue than honesty. And Ive found that those people who promote that whole "im just a very honest person and some people cant handle that" mean, "i just use honesty as a way to spew crap at people and wouldnt DREAM of turning that spewing inward to honestly look at my own life".
I once heard my sister-in-law who is a guru for me in terms of kindness, tell a group of children that saying mean things is like squeezing toothpaste out of its tube. Once you say them, its really hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube. I try to remember this but am always glad to get reminders like yours! -
I'm so happy to have read this entry. It kinda made me realize that I am a blurter and inadvertently, I have hurt people without meaning to.
So starting today, I will do my best to not spew out things and reasons out with the whole I'm just being honest crap.
It never bounces off people just like that. I don't know why I can't seem to remember that when I'm the one doing the hurting?
Feel free to visit my site and leave your thoughts anytime. =) -
At 2:22 PM,
Wow when I read what you wrote, it was like I was saying it, exactly how I feel!!! I cam across your site through Rose Rosetree's blog site, and when I started reading, WOW! My youngest daughter's dad is currently in prison, he molested my oldest daughter and I pressed charges, but even through the relationship he was mean and cruel and abusive, and I can say not one time could I ever get myself to injure him back in any way, I just couldn't cause I as well knew how it felt. I try to help my kids understand, when they do not like something in the world, you can sit there and complain and bicker, but where does it get you?? But being the change is the only thing we can do. Glad I came across ya here, I feel like I am with kindred souls.. *smiles* CindySue (Mystic44)
Hi Lisa,
I've been around a couple people in my life who lack filters, for lack of a better way of putting it, and being around them can be really uncomfortable, especially for someone like me who is an empath.
I, too, have been on the receiving end of some pretty harsh words - and I have one friend who used to take who I confided to her in moments of vulnerability and hurl them back at me, full of rage, in arguments - everything from how my parents didn't raise me correctly to how all my ideas were wrong.
I can't tell you how terribly shocking and disappointing it is to be spoken to in that way, especially by those who profess to care about you.
I've come to realize that some people just don't realize the deep impact their words can have - I am hoping that if they did realize this, they would choose their words (and actions) more carefully.
I've also heard from those who lack filters that they belive they are doing others a favor through their total honesty (and I suppose they feel that if others can't handle their honestly, well, tough for them).
That argument sort makes sense to me logically, but not really. It strikes me as incredibly rigid.
Most of us don't like total bluntness; there is a balance in this, as there are with most things in life.
-A